Shark attack

Last week I went away to the seaside with family. I swam in the sea properly for the first time. It’s probably not a big deal to a lot of people, but there’s definitely something scary about putting your tiny self at the mercy of 70% of a planet.

I like to think that I’m not scared of the ocean - it’s more like a huge and deep respect. The understanding that this could unknowingly and uncaringly drag me out of my life forever without any conscious thought. This thing is absolutely massive. There is way more space in the ocean than on land, because humans have to live on a surface and in the sea it’s 3D chess compared to our 2D lives.

There’s such a vast amount of life that lives in the sea. (I know I’m mixing the words ocean and sea, but it’s all the same thing when you zoom out enough). Even if the sea was perfectly clear and calm, it would still be terrifying to see how much life is below sea level.

I was mostly treading water beyond where I could touch the floor, (the sea bed, I suppose - how far out does it have to be to transform from beach to sea floor/bed?). Anyway, I went beyond where I could stand up, which has definitely given me the willies in the past. Seeking to find the answer to ‘how safe am I?'. Stretching your toes downwards to gauge the depth and silently praying that there’s nothing swimming below your foot…and it’s not there. Gone. Vanished. It’s over. I’ll never touch the floor again. Adrift. Afloat. Alone. Your head slips closer to the water as you quickly draw your foot back up and tread water. You start swimming back in towards the beach, until you bash your knees on the sand or rocks because you’re trying to swim in two-foot deep water. Safety. Sweet safety. Lightly bashed knees safety.

Ahem. So I was beyond where my feet could reach, facing out to sea. I wear glasses, but there’s no chance I’m surrendering those to the open ocean (don’t put plastic in the ocean), so I’ve got some prescription goggles like a seasoned professional. Due to the shape of goggles, you sort of lose more peripheral vision than with the usual, run-of-the-mill bad eyesight and glasses combo. All I could see was water. It was very calming and beautiful, to see the light reflecting and breaking on the surface of the sea. To be up to my neck, almost entirely engulfed in the biggest single thing on the planet.

What an amazing feeling.

Until the shark came towards me.

I could string you along for a while, but I’ll make it clear here and now - there was no shark. (I think).

This was a mental shark (not a mental shark, but a mental shark). It didn’t exist. (I think). But I definitely felt a lapse in calm and then saw a darker patch of the sea. That’s not…that can’t be. Not here. Not like this. I’m still working on all the cool stuff to be shown to me when that time comes! At the moment the ‘life flashing before my eyes’ isn’t even at the trailers yet! We’re still in the lights-up, settling in your seats, eating your stinky nachos, people with their phones still out (hopefully to turn them off) part of the movie experience. At least let me get past the car adverts and into the trailers part of my life-review flashbacks!

I don’t think I heard the Jaws theme, but if this was a dramatic reconstruction you’d definitely have heard it creeping in a few paragraphs ago.

I quickly turned 180 degrees to face the beach and started swimming as fast as I could. Of course I, a land-based mammal, can outpace a giant, perfectly-designed creature in it’s natural habitat. It was worth a shot right? The last thing I would have wanted to see at that point would be an advert for beer with beautiful people in beautiful places. At least show me Tom Cruise running in whatever film Tom Cruise is running in at the moment. Give me a boost of speed Tom! Help! The mental shark is coming to eat me!

When I realised I could reach the sand with my toes (at around three-feet deep - safe for the knees), I paused, shook myself a little, and smiled with relief. Silly me! It couldn’t have been a shark! There wasn’t even a fin gliding through the water towards me! That’s not how movies work!

So I stayed in the water and swam about a bit more, daring once again to go out just beyond where my feet could reach the floor. And I really enjoyed it. I think I was in the ocean for about 45 minutes. And I went back the next day.

Then again what if it was a vicious assassin shark whose fin has been removed by a cruel fisherman and who now has a grudge against every human who dares step foot in the ocean.

There was no shark. (I think).